Are you in a draining relationship or are you doing the draining without knowing?
I have read so many email in which people suddenly lost lovers without much explanation over and over again. The question has always been “why am I so unlucky in love?”
I have also seen this situation happen with people I know personally who did not realize that their need for attention was draining to the point that even I, who happen to be a very patient person, was finding this person to be overly needy or draining. So how does one handle an emotionally draining person. Or even more important how does one recognize that they are being draining?
This is often not an easy situation for the one who is addicted to the behavior that another finds exhausting. So many feel that they are simply communicating their emotions but are not aware that tone of voice, non reciprocation of listening, not being sensitive to giving space, or constant texting, calling, complaining/whining or being overly intense or dramatic can be something that will drive a potential lover or friend away.
Examples include those that become intimate too soon and begin to call and text immediately, something women in particular seem to do. Or those who are constantly talking about the same issue over and over in an elevated tone of voice. Without calming and learning to listen.
Cutting others off in the middle of sentences to talk about what is on their mind and therefore not giving others any feelings of validation that what they feel or think is important in any way.
Writing overly long texts or emails that go on and on usually with constant complaints. All these behaviors can drive loved ones away.
I am in the business of listening to the issues of others in which it is not appropriate to bring my personal life up, and that is ok. But recently I have found many people who could not afford my time, but were about to head into disaster if I did not help sending me constant dramatic email
complaining that if i did not guide them they would become sick with worry and do something counterproductive many times a day. I simply had to set limits. I cannot save the world, nor can I encourage this person to continue their draining behavior on myself or the person they were obsessed with. So I have had to set limits.
However, the ones doing the draining rarely understands that this behavior is what is pushing away their love and friendships. Setting limits is not always easy and we do not want to hurt others feelings, but often i have found that the kindest thing one can do is to explain to the person draining us exactly what they are doing so they can recognize how they are sabotaging their relationships with other as well as with us.
As a sensitive i have found myself spending a lot of time trying to help others. But as of late I have found myself surrounded by those who have exhausted me in my personal life.
Most well meaning, but who see me as one who can help them without understand that asking me to do constant readings, asking the same questions over and over again can be exhausting. Most of these people were obsessing over a lover without understanding that it was exactly this behavior that was keeping them from receiving the love they desired.
Others were those who wanted my love but were trying to hard to impress or becoming too needy. And the worst was the person who would call and text me constantly giving me a list of all the little chores he needed to do but never asked or listened to what I was trying to accomplish. When I withdrew my time and responses from this person I received such a violent explosion of rage from abandonment I had to cut this person off completely. Doing so with an explanation as it is always the decent thing to do.
People need to be listened to, they need their space and no matter how great the sex may be in a relationship it is never enough to keep one doing for long. Patience, give and take in a balanced way, watching ones tone of vice so as not to sound as if one i constantly whining is the best way to create balance. So next time you feel like sending those long, rapid texts filled with complaints, stop and think about what the other person might find enjoyable to hear.