Question.
My BF of eighteen months and I broke up three months ago and we have not talked until recently. He calls every few days and wants to get together next week. Do we have a chance of reuniting and if so, how do I handle things so it happens?
Answer
This happens a lot in relationships. As it comes time for the couple to either make a commitment or move on. One often has doubts and breaks up with the other. Sometimes it comes from a power struggle, sometimes it comes from a doubt that they might be able to find someone better. This is quite common in men as their “hunter instinct” makes them want to examine all their options before making a commitment. Some times they were just not ready for a commitment at that time.
Once they have had that final opportunity to see what their options are and realize that your are in fact good for them, they find that they miss you and fear that they might loose you.
However, when they ask to spend time with you again, you are still not out of the woods. My advice is to take it slowly, do not try to take control of the situation by texting, calling or emailing him a lot and let him make the moves. He has to be ready and do this in his own time. Do not show any expectations of reuniting and DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM RIGHT AWAY!!! Simply hang out with him as if you were a friend and attempt to fall into the same mode you did when you were on good terms and having fun outside the bedroom. Show no insecurity and only discuss the breakup, or reasons for it, if he brings it up. It is important that you show no expectations. This way you can rebuild on the friendship part of the relationship without scaring him off..
If he wants you back, he must work for it and he may not be ready to reunite.
All he knows is the he is missing you, but that is a good sign.
If you want him back, you must ease your way back into his life with out the pressure of expectations. Expect at some point, that you will relive you power struggle and an an old pattern of conflict will ensue. Watch your tone of voice when you reach a point of frustration with him ( and you will). Telling him everything that you feel is wrong and will only push him away. Find a new way to express yourself that do not seem to be critical to him. You must learn to change your tactics in your arguments so that he does not feel berated . I find that a lot of relationships hit a wall when two people disagree and start to tear each other down. If you learn to resolve your difference while keeping a civil tone of voice and without using language that puts your lover down, even if they do so to you, then you have won half the battle.
Expect him to do his “relationship dance, by getting close, then pulling away. This is not a bad thing so do not get frustrated when this happens. He has an attachment to you already or he would not have come back. So be patient and know that you CAN bring back those old feelings as long as you do not try to rush things.